My psychiatrist pointed something out to me today and probably doesn't even realize that this is what I mainly took away from our session: I'm such a people pleaser that I'll do anything to make others happy - even at the expense of my own health.
You see, this is something I'd been pondering this morning: Why am I just now feeling the effects of fibromyalgia after 8 years? The fact is I've pushed it out of my mind for so long that I'm just now noticing what I've been ignoring for so long. Sure in 2018 my endocrine system crashed and I had to deal with it but even after picking up those pieces, I didn't sit still because I couldn't afford to do so.
I've been a single mom throughout my son's entire life - ever since he was 3 years old. While my parents will tell you they bent over backwards to try to help me, this just wasn't the case at all. What they did was anything they could to continue to try to control me and manipulate me to be the person they wanted me to be. It was always on my shoulders alone to make sure we had food and a roof over our heads. I was also solely responsible for taking care of my son's health and education - as well as every other part of his life.
Somehow I learned to take second place through all of this. I learned to do the bare minimum to take care of myself and never let anyone know the real me, how I was doing, or what I was feeling. Sometimes I wonder if I even knew these things about myself. I was so focused on providing a good life for him that I was always busy - even in 2018 when my health really started to suffer I managed to keep going until this year. It honestly shouldn't surprise me that I'm falling apart now.
I still want to keep my head up and believe that things will get better and I shouldn't be negative around anyone. However, I've been reminded that I don't need to feel as though I have to hold everything in all the time. It's OK to be human and to struggle. It's OK to take time out for myself to breathe and do those things that make me happy. This is the way I'll find the "real" me... A journey I'm looking forward to taking and one that I'm looking forward to seeing where it'll lead.
Until next time, Stay strong,