Scared to be Alone


This shouldn't come as a surprise to me but once again I've noticed that I am very codependent. It's not just with my son, it's with everyone. 

This week I've had to let go of another therapist and I really liked this one. It's then that I noticed that when I lose a therapist I lose a hole in my heart. It's hard to explain but my son told me it isn't "normal." I wonder if it's because I bare my soul to this person but it also got me thinking...

Codependency is something I've always been told I have. It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember.

Where did it come from? When did it start?

These are questions I've never stopped to really think about until now. (Honestly, I don't even need to think about them now, but I'm choosing to do so - more on that in a minute.) I'm honestly starting to believe that they were caused by my childhood. Not only have I never felt as though my parents loved me (they never told me or showed me) but we were continuously moving. I never was able to maintain friendships so now that I can do so, I find myself clinging to people.

I've decided that this is a pattern I need to change - not only for myself but also so that I don't get into these types of relationships again. (They're just too draining on me.) 

How am I going to change?

I feel like I need some time away from therapy... Some time to just work on me and find out who I am; what I believe; just to genuinely learn more about myself. I've decided to spend the mornings when my son is sleeping dedicated to this journey/process. I've found a site I want to use and I'm also in a life coaching group. I also want to journal. If any of this sparks me in any way I'll let myself wander down that rabbit hole as it's presented to me. All I know is that for now, I need to work on me being ok with myself instead of worrying about having a therapist (or anyone else) by my side.

Why am I sharing this?

I believe that I'm not alone here. I honestly think that others are also more codependent than they'd like to believe or even show the world around them. Although I can't place judgment on anyone, I can say that from my own experiences this isn't a good way to live. If you find that you're codependent, maybe ask yourself if it's time to change and consider embracing this journey with me.

Until next time, Stay strong,