This shouldn't come as a surprise to me but once again I've noticed that I am very codependent. It's not just with my son, it's with everyone.
This week I've had to let go of another therapist and I really liked this one. It's then that I noticed that when I lose a therapist I lose a hole in my heart. It's hard to explain but my son told me it isn't "normal." I wonder if it's because I bare my soul to this person but it also got me thinking...
Codependency is something I've always been told I have. It's been a struggle for as long as I can remember.
Where did it come from? When did it start?
These are questions I've never stopped to really think about until now. (Honestly, I don't even need to think about them now, but I'm choosing to do so - more on that in a minute.) I'm honestly starting to believe that they were caused by my childhood. Not only have I never felt as though my parents loved me (they never told me or showed me) but we were continuously moving. I never was able to maintain friendships so now that I can do so, I find myself clinging to people.
I've decided that this is a pattern I need to change - not only for myself but also so that I don't get into these types of relationships again. (They're just too draining on me.)
How am I going to change?
I feel like I need some time away from therapy... Some time to just work on me and find out who I am; what I believe; just to genuinely learn more about myself. I've decided to spend the mornings when my son is sleeping dedicated to this journey/process. I've found a site I want to use and I'm also in a life coaching group. I also want to journal. If any of this sparks me in any way I'll let myself wander down that rabbit hole as it's presented to me. All I know is that for now, I need to work on me being ok with myself instead of worrying about having a therapist (or anyone else) by my side.
Why am I sharing this?
I believe that I'm not alone here. I honestly think that others are also more codependent than they'd like to believe or even show the world around them. Although I can't place judgment on anyone, I can say that from my own experiences this isn't a good way to live. If you find that you're codependent, maybe ask yourself if it's time to change and consider embracing this journey with me.
Until next time, Stay strong,
Bre
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