Wednesday, July 8, 2020

I'm going through so many emotions this morning that I don't know what to do with. I've been through a lot in my 40+ years of life... Things that I don't need to repeat here, but for those who want to know, it's all right here for you.

Somehow over the years I've learned to numb myself. My therapist thinks it's a way of protecting myself, but I don't even realize I'm doing it until it hits me in the face. Last week he challenged me to read through the bio that I've written about myself (something he's also challenging me to publish when I feel ready). I did this last Thursday but I had kept myself pretty numb until this past weekend and now the flood gates have opened. I feel myself dealing with a ton of emotions, with the main ones being:

I'm angry with how much I've been through in my life and frustrated that I never stood up for myself until now. Even now I'm struggling with boundaries. I tend to not have them where I should (e.g. with my parents and yet at the same time I'm putting them up with those who love me, those who I should be able to trust. I'm learning to put on a mask and it scares me. I know I'm trying to protect myself from more pain and hurt but it's going to be there anyway, regardless of how much I try to protect myself from it. For instance, something I haven't put out there yet... My daughter was conceived from my abusive ex raping me. She's now a transgender male. Since she first told me this I was hesitant (not really angry because it's her life and God told me He'd be the one to take care of her salvation if I'd just be her Mom) to accept it. We used to be "ride or die" but now I have even tried blocking her out most of the time. In fact, there's really only 2 people I'm letting in right now and they're people that are surprising me: my friend, Leslie, and my therapist. In the past I'd let other people in but right now I'm wearing a mask acting like everything around me is fine when in reality I'm feeling... 

Sorry for treating myself this way for so long

I just need to find a place to get alone and be by myself. I don't want anyone depending on me right now and I don't want to be dependent on anyone but God. I want and need to work through these feelings so that I can be a better, stronger version of myself. (Now if I said this didn't add to the fear I'm already experiencing, I'd be lying.) This is why we're heading to Butler today to see about getting me a studio apartment. I'm praying that we'll find one that will meet my needs (as basic as they truly are at this moment) so that we don't have to continue looking. I'm not sure how much more I can take, not that I'm suicidal, but I am at my breaking point. All I can do right now is continue to remind myself "God's got me" because I know for a fact, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that even though I may say I don't trust Him, He has me.

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